Former Actor, Shydel James?

Ever since I was a little boy, I've always wanted to be an actor. It just took me a while to figure it out.

I would lay out on the living room floor with a binder full of college ruled paper and write characters names with words next to them and then read the words out loud. I had no idea I was writing a script and acting it out.

You see, growing up and going to school in the inner-city, I had no real outlet for the arts, especially acting. It was all about how fast you could run, how many baskets you could make or how many touchdowns you could score. No one was checking for the little bookworm who had a flair for the arts.

By the time I reached high school, I embraced my aspirations and decided to pursue theatre in college.

The plan was to go to Rutgers University's Mason Gross School of the Arts and finally get this show on the road, except Rutgers didn't accept me.

I ended up going to The College of NJ (formerly known as Trenton State College) also a reputable school, except they eliminated their theatre program the year before I was accepted.

I ended up majoring in communications. It wasn't too bad but my thirst for drama remained unquenched.

I transferred to The New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts.

Here I am with my second year classmates. I'm the Black one in the middle. 

Finally. I was getting the training that I so desperately needed and desired.

After graduating from the conservatory, I hit the ground running by landing the lead role in the very first film I auditioned for.

A week after shooting wrapped on that production, I was whisked away to Maryland to shoot the lead role in another film. Then after that, the stage roles started to pour in:

Nile Blue

Fences

Full Bloom

As did the rave reviews from the critics.

The Newark Star-Ledger

Talkingbroadway.com

I had finally carved a space of my own on the Internet Movie Database.

I joined the Screen Actors Guild and the Actors' Equity Association.

I was flying high and loving life. My dreams were coming true. I was on my way.

Then, something happened:

The phone stopped ringing.
The influx of roles slowed down.
The auditions became sparse.
The agents who at one time showed interest, were no where to be found not answering my calls.

It was bound to happen. Every actor experiences the occasional dry spell. But mine lasted for over a year. That's when it began to dawn on me:

I'm living my dream. But I'm also living my life, sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. What am I supposed to do with myself when things are slow? What happens if the phone never rings again? Who am I besides an actor? What else inspires and motivates me?

While trying to figure out the answers to those questions, I went back to school and got my degree in theatre arts (the conservatory wasn't a degree issuing institution).

And in the midst of "finding myself," I remembered that little boy who used to spend his weekends on the floor writing stories; the fifth grader whose teacher told him he was an exceptional writer for his age; the senior who was the editor-in-chief of his high school newspaper...and I realized:

Duh! I love to write too!

The acting, as rewarding as it was, gave me a severe bout of tunnel vision. I forgot that I was good at other things too.

With the help of my homie and mentor Aliya S. King, I began pitching stories to national magazines - and getting the green light.

Before I knew it, I was establishing relationships with high profile editors, being courted to write pieces for online publications and had amassed so many clips and bylines, I needed a website to house them all.

Out of the blue, a new career emerged - and it only continues to flourish. (I'm interviewing John Legend on Wednesday).

That's all good and dandy but what about the actor in me?

I haven't been on stage in a play since I did the Suzan-Lori Parks play 365 Days/365 Plays at the Public Theatre in 2007.

The last performance I did was a staged reading of Bring the Beat Back, an apocalyptic work of music and drama.

I played the boy crazy son of a major music icon who gets swindled into giving away his late mother's priceless beats.

That was a year ago.

I haven't shot a film since I was Omarion's understudy and a featured extra in the Jennifer Lopez produced flop, Feel The Noise back in 2006.

Hey, it paid some bills.

*Shrugs*

I went on one audition this year - and rocked it. But I never received a callback. Come to find out, the director did email me to come back in but it mysteriously disappeared from my inbox.

This was for the lead role in a play running in the New York City International Fringe Festival.

*Sigh*

The show opens next month

Both my SAG card and Equity card are expired.

And I haven't updated my actor website since February.

And Folks are starting to get suspicious.

Folks: What's up with the acting stuff, Shydel?

Me: Oh, nothing much. I'm concentrating more on my writing now.

Folks: Aww, man. You gave up on acting?!

Me: Uh, no. I'm just doing other things that interest me as well.

Folks: UmmHmm o__O

Thing is, that's what I'm known as: The actor.

My coworkers have postcards and programs from my shows up in their cubicles. Friends and family have gone out to buy all my films and see all my plays (the good and the bad ones).

They're invested in my dwindling acting career; meanwhile, I'm traipsing around town trying to be the next Ed Bradley.

Don't get me wrong. I love the art of acting. I love the craft. The excitement and fear of curling up with a new script to discover the objectives and pinpoint the actable moments is unmatched. From meeting up with the cast for the first table reading to bowing during the final curtain call of a sold out run gives me a thrill that has yet to be duplicated. It's all wonderful!

But that's just it: That's all I love. I hate auditioning. I loathe going through the casting breakdowns, searching for roles that match my physical attributes, only to see that it's to play a drug dealer or somebody's baby father. I despise the thought of having to pay to perform monologues in front of agents and casting directors who I know are there just to collect a check and don't give a damn about me. And all of that is just as much a part of the process as anything else.

What does this all mean?

Have I...

*shudders*

...given up on acting?

Am I just a writer a now?

When I was just an actor, I felt like I was neglecting other facets of my personality.

Now that I'm a professional writer, I feel like I've given up on my acting career and subsequently let some people (and myself) down.

What do you guys think?

Am I just never satisfied?

Can I do both?

Or has the acting ship sailed?

What if I don't act for another year or more?

Will I still be able to call myself an actor?

What happens when you define who you are by what you do - and then you no longer do that thing anymore?

Then what?

While I was digging through my storage unit to find pictures for this post, I stumbled across my high school yearbook and wondered what I put down as my career goals.

Here's what I found:

Would you look at that: Theatre Arts and Journalism!

I guess I had this all figured out a long time ago.

Talk to me.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.