My Upstairs Neighbor's Bed

In my head, this is what my neighbor's bed looks like!

Allow me to introduce you to my neighbors:

There's the dummy who made us all get certified letters from the city fire marshall because he was using a grill on his balcony without proper ventilation.

Then there's the old, creepy couple next door who goes MIA for months at a time. And when the old man surfaces, he walks around the building putting folded pieces of cardboard in all of the doorways to keep the doors open.

O____o

There's the single father who lives across the hall who manages to constantly get dragged out of his apartment into the hallway by his two cute (and loud) kids with only his boxer briefs on.

Oh and I can't forget the new kids on the block. A young couple and their new born baby moved in across from me a few months ago and loves to leave their trash outside of their door. Um. But they live 12 inches away from garbage room. Literally.

See exhibit A:

And I'm sure there are dirty diapers in there. Pathetic.

But homie that lives directly above me? Yeah, he takes the cake.


It's noisy. It's creaky. It's squeaky. It's disturbing. It's my upstairs neighbor's bed and I'm tired of hearing it!

He's lived directly above me for over a year now and I haven't so much as said one single word to him in passing. I'm not what folks would call...neighborly. I'm not rude by any means. If I bump into you in the hallway or see you by the mailbox, I'll give the obligatory Wave-and-Smirk. You know the look. It looks sort of like this:

While old boy upstairs has never even gotten that much from me, unfortunately, I have become quite familiar with his raggedy ass bed as it squeaks above my head while he has sex.

Let me tell y'all why I'm mad.

First of all, this mofo has GOT to know that his bed is loud. If your downstairs neighbor can hear you turn over to switch positions in the middle of the night or during sex (or, in his case, both!) and the springs inside of your mattress/box-spring sound like they look like this...

 ...then your bed is too damn loud and you need to do something about it.

Second of all, I live in a new construction building, which means the walls are very thin. While I bask in amenities like central air and a pre-wired Verizon Fios connection, I'd trade it all for an apartment with some thick, solid walls. It's apparent that they threw my building up one, two, three without any sort of soundproofing or padding in between the units. (They don't make 'em like they used to). I'm sure dude upstairs has heard the young, vibrant couple above him smooshin' and is very well aware of how clearly you can hear hoshit through the walls. You'd think he'd be a little more considerate. Hmph.

Third of all, I'm just mad at his priorities in life. How are you driving around in a luxury car but your mattress sounds like it's propped up on chipped up cinder blocks? Homie, get thee to the local Sleepy's ASAP. They have a great post Memorial Day sale going on. For reals.

See, at first, I was willing to turn a deaf ear when it came to his loud love making. Mostly because it didn't last long. Yeah, I said it! After a few strokes and several bed rocks, he would be done. But homie must have added some yohimbe bark to his daily vitamin regimen, because lately he's been slaying homegirl upstairs upwards of 20 minutes. And I'm certain there's not any music playing or a television on to drown out the sound because I can hear every guttural grunt, moan, groan and oh shit! that comes out of her mouth - and his!

But shit, something's gotta give! His romps have disturbed my TV watching, upset several good writing flows and woke me up in the middle of the night, bitter and agitated that he's having sex at that particular moment - and I'm not!

Dear Readers, what would you do?

March upstairs, bang on his door and demand that he pipe down...so to speak? Or maybe take the passive-aggressive approach by slipping a note under the door? Or perhaps take a broomstick to the ceiling in the middle of his next sexscapade?

Damn, should I be more concerned about the eerie geriatric and his hair-raising door cracking obsession?!

*sigh*

I don't know, maybe this city boy has finally outgrown apartment living. But until I can afford a nice one family stand alone domain, ear plugs it is!

I bravely write and publish this post with the assumption that I will never be friends with my upstairs neighbor.